Friday, July 20, 2007

7/19/07

So, apparently since I am going through recovery, it doesn't make a hill of beans of difference what I say or what I think, because I don't know who the hell I am. That's nice. In this process that I am going through of self discovery and starting to love myself, I am constantly told that I am not able to feel or think. Apparently it's scary that I am over 25 and still haven't figured out exactly who I am. Personally, I think I am much better of than most people who don't ever even realize that they are not aware of themselves as selves. A lot of people die never knowing themselves. I am not going to be one of those people. And, whether I do it at 20 or 50, at least I am doing it.
Yes, it bothers me to no end when people don't like me. It is part of the way that I was raised, to be a people pleaser and to crave approval. Whether it's healthy or not, that is not a part of me that has changed so far. So, please, don't tell your father and your friends how I broke down and freaked out, but forget to tell them that I am now going through some counseling, and that I am not leaving, and that you have decided to stand by me and help me through this because you think that I am still worth it.
Recovery doesn't happen overnight. I understand that it's a process, and you need to, too. I can't just fix things because I know they are wrong. I have to learn how to fix them, and I also have to undo years of training of how to do it wrong. Put your pants on with a different leg than what you are used to. I bet you fall a couple of times trying it. Change is difficult, change is uncomfortable, and change takes time to get used to. Either help me, or don't. But saying is not doing. And, no, you don't have all of the answers.