Friday, January 4, 2008

What to do?

Oh, what to do. You think that you are doing the right thing, but how come it simply does not work? Every one that surrounds me is negative. It is so hard to stay positive when negativity is constantly pushed upon you. And, these people have no idea that they are so negative. It is the way that we were all brought up, and as unfortunate as some events in my life have been, they have afforded me the opportunity to learn how to look at the bright side. Now, how can I convince everyone else to do the same? There is no need to be bitter and condescending at all times. I am not perfect, but for fuck's sake, neither are you. Sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut. Honestly, remember when your mom (or if your mom didn't tell you, then mine did) told you that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? Or, if that is too hard for you, then you must remember to also mention the good things. The sad part is that you don't even realize you are doing it.

Every sentence that comes out of your mouth is negative. I express my wants and feelings, and they are immediately labeled as incorrect or silly. No worries, you are not going to stop me from expressing my feelings or my wants or my needs, I am adamant about at least getting them in the open. And, it is not necessary for you to agree with them, either. But, is it possible that they might be valid? Has that ever occurred to you? Because you don't agree with them, or because they seem trivial to you does not mean that they do not exist and therefore do not require validation. A simple sentence of understanding or even comprehension is acceptable. And, really, I would think that that would take less effort than coming up with some kind of retort to make me feel insignificant. But, it's your habit. You are never going to change. You are perfect. This I am not ever allowed to forget.

I suppose that you have been this way the entire time. But, now that my eyes have been opened, and I have learned some things about myself and the way the world works, this attitude is becoming more and more apparent. And, I don't like it. However, there is really nothing I can do about it. I can't make you change any more than you can understand where I am coming from. That is where my conundrum lies. What to do? It is not healthy for me to worry about this. It is not healthy for me to allow this stress in my life. I do not know of any way to deal with it in a healthy fashion. My life would be so empty if I were to walk away from you, and that is something I am NOT willing to do. But, allowing you to walk all over me like this has started to take its toll on me....emotionally and physically. You are not easy to talk to. You are perfect, and it is very hard for you to see things from another person's point of view.

Maybe it is the hormones. But, either way you look at it, it's not good. It's not always about you. I am in this world, too.

Friday, July 20, 2007


So, apparently since I am going through recovery, it doesn't make a hill of beans of difference what I say or what I think, because I don't know who the hell I am. That's nice. In this process that I am going through of self discovery and starting to love myself, I am constantly told that I am not able to feel or think. Apparently it's scary that I am over 25 and still haven't figured out exactly who I am. Personally, I think I am much better of than most people who don't ever even realize that they are not aware of themselves as selves. A lot of people die never knowing themselves. I am not going to be one of those people. And, whether I do it at 20 or 50, at least I am doing it.
Yes, it bothers me to no end when people don't like me. It is part of the way that I was raised, to be a people pleaser and to crave approval. Whether it's healthy or not, that is not a part of me that has changed so far. So, please, don't tell your father and your friends how I broke down and freaked out, but forget to tell them that I am now going through some counseling, and that I am not leaving, and that you have decided to stand by me and help me through this because you think that I am still worth it.
Recovery doesn't happen overnight. I understand that it's a process, and you need to, too. I can't just fix things because I know they are wrong. I have to learn how to fix them, and I also have to undo years of training of how to do it wrong. Put your pants on with a different leg than what you are used to. I bet you fall a couple of times trying it. Change is difficult, change is uncomfortable, and change takes time to get used to. Either help me, or don't. But saying is not doing. And, no, you don't have all of the answers.